Tales From the Ward Chapter 43:

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A Christmas Carol

As Christmas approaches I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut. I’ve bitten my tongue so much in the last few days listening to Noelle’s constant drivel I’m one bite away from self-inflicted mutism.

Which is something Noelle seems incapable of. The collective weight of her issues threaten the entire fabric of the world wide web. Chief nurse Chloe’s inbox is filled with at least 30 emails daily.

Why don’t you assign her email address to junk status, I suggest. Already done.

The shrink wants me to channel my thoughts, so I pen a short rewrite of a festive favourite.

The Twelve Complaints of Noelle

 

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On the first day Christmas Noelle threatens me: You’ll never hear the end of me

On the second day of Christmas my patient begged of me: two hours o’rest, or you’ll never hear the end of me.

On the third day of Christmas my patient spat at me: three bad meals, two hours o’rest or you’ll never hear the end of me.

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On the fourth day of Christmas my patient gave to me: four acid looks, three bad meals, two hours o’rest and you’ll never hear the end of me.

On the fifth day of Christmas my patient awarded me five Gold stars, four acid looks, three bad meals, two hours o’rest and you’ll never hear the end of me.

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On the sixth day of Christmas my patient sent to me: six insulting emails

On the seventh day of Christmas my patient howled at me: seven minute moans

On the eighth day of Christmas my patient bawled to me: eight floods of tears

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On the ninth day of Christmas my patient raged at me: nine daily meltdowns

On the tenth day of Christmas my patient sang to me: ten tuneless carols

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On the eleventh day of Christmas my patient wailed at me: eleven workout whinges

On the twelfth day of Christmas my patient gave to me: twelve hour long tantrums, eleven workout whinges, ten tuneless carols, nine daily meltdowns, eight floods of tears, seven minute moans, six insulting emails, five Gold Stars, four acid looks, three bad meals, two hours o’rest or you’ll never hear the end of me

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Happy Christmas everyone and wishing you all a fantastic and better 2018

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I still need your help to raise the rest of my target to fund my stay in rehab. Please take a look at youcaring.com/savestephaniescawen and help spread the word.

We’re stuck at $14,400. The same again would be fantastic. Rehab is working, a little bit further every day. Thank you ❤ ❤ ❤

 

 

Tales from the Ward Chapter 42:

The Great Christmas Cake Off

Xmas cake

Today as part of Occupational Therapy we’re team making mince pies. Giovanni used to be a chef in Italy. Well, he used to cook pizzas, someone says.

That’s enough to make him our de-facto master chef. And I suggest we call him Gordon.
Yes you can, he replies, in his strongest Italian accent. But you better do what I fucking say.

He’s giggling as the nurses say: no cooking if there’s swearing.

But there’s not much real baking anyway. Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith would be horrified. Shop bought pastry and jars of mincemeat?

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It’s a sacrilege of Santa.

Quadriplegia’s rolling out the pastry while I’m greasing the pastry tins.

Someone doesn’t like mincemeat and wants stewed apple filling.

Then there’s a request for jam from Bernard, whose blood sugar levels are rising despite the best attempts of his wife to keep his diabetes under còntrol.

The only one who’s lost control is me. I can’t speak and can barely breathe I’m laughing so much. Tears are rolling down my face.

Shouldn’t we be blind baking, I suggest, trawling up some long forgotten baking rule from school years.

No, rules our head chef. So I begin to fill our pies with mincemeat.

Are these deep filled then? I try again. This pastry making is serious business. I’d never even heard of the concept until I saw it mentioned in a Christmas tv ad a few days ago.

I don’t know what that means, says Giovanni. The idea or my sentence, I ask?  Oh never mind.

My next challenge: how to glaze the tops with an egg wash when I’ve already liberally sprinkled them with cinnamon powder.

 

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I still need funds to continue my rehab. Please share my story. You can find out more by taking a look at youcaring.com/savestephaniescawen. Thank you.
Merry Christmas to all those celebrating and Happy Holidays. Wishing you all a fabulous and better 2018

❤ ❤ ❤